fatewillfail

“Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment” / Friedrich Nietzsche

This is so fucking true. Resentment is really consuming me. I thought that I was moving on, but lately it feels as if it has been getting worse! He broke up with me May 7th, and I'm still crying everyday. I've only made it two days since then without crying. I seriously feel so angst-y. I hate it, because this is not who I am. I do not want to be bitter like this!

He started dating this fugly (guy) slut and they dated for like 2 or 3 weeks, and guess what?!? The bitch got dumped! He left me so heartbroken, without any warning. He didn't ever care. And then he called one of his friends crying. He put his status on Facebook--because someone else told me, a mutual friend; i do not have him online nor in my phone...cant do it--"DOESN'T KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING. IT WAS SO SHORT BUT IT FELT SO LONG. WHY??" and then changed his relationship status to single. When I heard this yesterday, I felt so ha-ha-in-your-face-you-deserve-all-of-this-pain. I want him to hurt as badly as I have.

It's so horrible because I just cannot let go of betrayed I was. Yes, I was dating him for a month...but a lot of people don't understand that I am still an addict that I subconsciously get high off of boys because I am no longer using drugs. So when they leave or hurt me, it's like going through withdrawals. Just wanting to do some more...wanting to give up...just wanting to die.

He broke up with me on a Thursday, when I took off the next night for him, and he even witnessed me on the phone, so we could be together. He dumps me later that night, over the phone, saying "you just kept saying I love you" and "i didn't wanna say anything in person."

God, this kid is such an awful fucking person. I do not even know how to breathe anymore. The pain really is physical. I am aching inside, as I write this I am on the verge of tears. I still haven't fully got over the wallowing in self-pity, because sometimes it's the only thing I can do.

That weekend after he broke up with me, I hurt so much, not having talked to him since 8pm Thursday, when I finally cracked Monday and called him. He promised we'd still be friends, that he would still be here for my one-year-clean and my birthday. Haha, he fucked up on my cleanniversary, and it hurt so badly, because that day is not about him. It's about me and how much it has taken and takes to stay clean.

But of course I heard that he was going to call me to congratulate me, but the new boyfriend wouldn't let him. How do you let some new, ugly boyfriend control you like that? Obviously, he's a piece of shit and he broke up with Jake.

And they also came into the movie theatre where I work, together. It was awful; Jake glanced at me for a section and then I averted my eyes and went into the back, trying not to break something.

I just feel so alone. So hurt, betrayed. I just hate this so much. I know that there are so many more serious problems, but this pain is so severe, it makes me afraid to ever fall in love again--not that I fell in love with Jake, because I didn't.

And, of course, on June 16th, my birthday, his iPhone--if he didn't delete it--will notify him of it on June 15th at 11pm. And when I don't ever get a happy birthday, I'm going to hurt, again. I hate this because he is such a piece of shit. I have tried to move on, so much. I keep going up and down. I just wanna explode. It has been a really rough time stopping myself from using again, or cutting, or just punching the shit out of a wall.

I thought I didn't know rage anymore since I've been in recovery, but I have the rage again. I'm getting a punching bag and might enlist in Karate classes. I also want to take up a sport, like tennis or something.

It sucks because today I have been telling myself yes and no--trying to debate whether I should call him, because of course I remember his number by heart, FML--and it hurt so badly. The sick thing is even as I write this, I long for him still.

I do not know how to let go of a resentment like this. It's poison to me, I know. It's not affecting him at all. But how can you forgive and forget if the person never even apologizes?

Why am I still waiting for that cliché, dead-of-the-night phone call?

FuckMyLife

I have a house phone, because I am seventeen and live with my parents.  But we never really answer it.  Usually the reason we avoid it is because our mentally-ill grandmother calls and leaves 40 messages a day.  If not her, it's just telemarketers or politicians' agents.  This is funny because I just used my house phone for the first time in awhile.  I'm in my basement and do not get good cell phone service down here, so I just called my father from my house phone.  No such thing as a bad connection there!

My biggest environmental pet peeve is when people litter when it is completely unnecessary--not that littering is ever necessary. But we are all guilty of littering. I hate when people, usually teenagers, throw out a bag filled with trash, e.g. a McDonald's bag with wrappers and empty cups. It is so unattractive, inconsiderate, and like I said, unnecessary! I also hate when people--cough, cough, my little brother--take 30 mins-1 hr showers EVERY time they take a shower. I admit that I litter, as I throw cigarette butts out of my car window. But when I am smoking, and there are posts, I am never the smoker that still flicks. I use ashtrays outside at my house. I love this planet and hate to harm it.

I would wish for Jake and I to be back together, or, better yet, I would wish that he would've never left me and that we would still be infatuated with each other.

So I am sitting here on a Monday night.  Today I lay out from noon to four, and I definitely wore sunscreen.  I love lying out under the sun.  It makes me feel so good and of course when I get tan that makes me feel even better!  After I showered and read a bit of The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch I went out with my friends Kelty and Kelsey.  We went out by the river--I live right on the Mississippi River--and went on different trails and islands.  We also drove around listening to music.  And we also had fun sticking our feet in this really cold and clear fountain.  While we were eating a bunch of mullberries, five straight going-to-be Juniors walked by.  It was so funny because everyone was quiet.  They are all smokin' hot, and then after they went down the island a bit, here comes another guy, shirtless.  He is so hot, and he had these little curves, oh my gosh.  He is actually nice.  I have a secret crush on him now.  I'm really glad that I went and got out of the house today instead of staying in and moping.  I have all week off!  I worked all weekend and now don't work until at least Friday.  My novel is already more than 56,190 words!  I'm going to write some more after this.  I don't know why I got LJ because it's just another addicting distraction from my writing!  I'm still hurting over Jake and I have only been one day without crying since he broke up with me, May 7th.  I know that better things will happen and that the boy was a piece of shit.  I'm just glad to be clean!